An excerpt from:

Distraction Destruction

By Sharon Cronk-Raby

5.

How can I cope with the distractions?

This section will focus on some suggestions and strategies you can use to keep your life as distraction-free as possible.  This is certainly not an all-inclusive list, and in the scheme of things, it’s a relatively short one.  There is nothing simple about any of life’s distractions, for they can all be damaging if allowed to fester unproductively for any amount of time, creating toxicity to self and relationships.  Remember, I am no expert, but I do speak from experience of lost time for foolish distractions.  When confronted with a distraction – fruitless or fruitful – you need to acknowledge it, face it, and head it where it needs to go.  These suggestions are not about the quick and easy fixes, nor will they work perfectly every time; however, if considered seriously and proactively, they can help you get to a better place, wherever you need to be.  These tips attempt to help you become more proactive and less reactive in your life.  I’m simply trying to help others get through life’s distractions as I have done in the past and will continue to do in the present and future.

 

5.a.

Make yourself happy first.

This is the most critical point.  If you are not happy with yourself, another person cannot make you happy.  Not a family member.  Not a friend.  Not a lover.  Not anyone.  Oh, sure, maybe for some occasional good times, but not real happiness.  If you do not discover what makes you happy for you, then nothing else will be truly clear.  You must think about your own happiness, independent of anyone else, and you must continue to redefine that happiness as life changes you.  Actually, with your own happiness set, the rest of the points fall more easily into place with less effort.  When you find that, no matter how hard you try, nothing else is working, come back to this step.  Start here.

Have you ever noticed that when you are tired, but happy, all is still somehow well in your life?  It’s because you are fulfilled.  Yet, when you are tired, but not happy, everything sucks the life out of you, intolerably irritating and exacerbating the unhappiness, as life is drained from you.  It’s because you are unfulfilled.

Happiness sounds like such a simple thing, but it can elude because of the distractions that abound.  Happiness is different for everyone, and what makes you happy can even change periodically for yourself.  As you assess your life, look in a multitude of directions.  Don’t chase someone else’s happiness.  Others’ expectations can be doom to you.  Do not look at life through the status quo of others.  Do not dream someone else’s dreams; dream your own.  When looking into yourself, to find what brings happiness from the inside out, do not start with the concept of “what I’m supposed to do” – a.k.a. “isn’t that what’s expected of me?”  Sure, life has commitments and obligations, but I’m not talking about those.  You have them, you know what they are, and you know what you need to do with them.  If those are the things unhinging you, separating you from your happiness, look away to find what does make you happy.  Don’t recklessly abandon those commitments and obligations because that won’t create happiness for you either by disappointing or discounting others who believe in you and count on you and need you.  However, you can find your own path, apart from commitment and obligation, apart from others’ expectations.  Happiness doesn’t always jump out from hiding; it has to be found.  A sort of hide and seek game, if you will.  I think, even in the commitments and obligations, you should be upbeat and ongoing, but your soul needs room to breathe, aside from – and in addition to –  the daily routines that bind.

For my dad, he loved woodworking, but that was not his job.  He had an eighth-grade education and worked most of his adult life in a factory as a grinder.  He ground the heads of golf clubs.  He was good at it, but it wasn’t his drive in life.  Still, he valued his job, and he appreciated learning and honing this skill, which was not his passion.  He went to work every day because he had a family that depended on him going to work every day.  However, whenever he could, around work and family commitments, he spent some time in his workshop in the garage.  Living in a suburb of Chicago, weather was a concern, so when it was too cold outside, he sat at the kitchen table; you could hear the scratch of the pencil as he drew up plans for spring and summer.  When spring and summer came, you could hear the whir of the saw, frantically spinning to put his designs to fruition.  He made simple toys and decorative furniture, and he shared his enjoyment by handing out his creations to whomever he could, wherever he could, all free of charge.  He was told repeatedly that he should make a business of his woodworking, but with tight finances and schedules, he knew resources were not there to adequately found and fund a true business endeavor.  He valued his role in the family, monetarily and ethically, so he never pursued his own dreams beyond a hobby.  He made sure his wife and children had their dreams, and he fulfilled his own passions in small ways.  He never got distracted from his own happiness, though, and he never allowed others to be distracted from theirs.  He was a happy man who enjoyed life.   One of the happiest I’ve ever known.

On the flip side, I have known several people who, while truly enjoying their families, too, never took the time to enjoy their own interests.  They got distracted from their own happiness, and happiness scampered away.  Yes, it is vital to support your family, but still, be firm in your concentration to self, or the self can be lost in the pursuit of others, instead of in the pursuit of happiness.  While doing things for others can make you happy, it is not enough to cultivate a lifetime of happiness; you need to do things for yourself, too, in order to have extended and ongoing internal meaning.  Self-sacrifice, while a nice concept on the surface, cannot be sustained forever.  Doing things for your own happiness is critical.

When I was a strong student in high school, I was good at math.  Somehow that translated to an accountant-only career choice.  Guidance counselors and family members told me that was the best way to go.  Best for whom?  I was told how stable and secure my future would be.  I was told how many job opportunities I would have.  I was told how much money I would make.  All true, I’m sure.  Yet, I didn’t want to be an accountant.  I was good at math, and I liked it; however, the thought of sitting in an office manipulating numbers all day in a job setting did not thrill me.  I did due diligence to the idea.  I met with some accountants in a work setting and did some job shadowing.  I was not happy.  I knew accounting was not the job for me.  I didn’t know what was, so I was told to go with it until I figured it out.  Here’s the catch:  I knew if I went with it, I’d never have time, between studies and following a set career path I didn’t want, to explore what would make me happy in my days.  I knew that if I just followed others’ expectations and proceeded ahead, I’d never find my choice.  I was told that work is inevitable, so I should choose based on my abilities.  No, not necessarily my interests.  Why couldn’t I pursue both, I wondered?

Wonder became more than curiosity, and I set forth on my expedition.  I knew I wanted an education, but what then?  What courses should I focus on during the trails to blaze ahead with a world I wanted?  I did the dreaded and unexpected:  I didn’t go to college right away after high school.  Of course, funding was an issue, but that was really more of a mask to hide behind.  I liked the drama programs in high school, and when I married after high school, my husband and I moved to California for his band; I gave acting a try.  I loved it immensely, but for a variety of reasons, I knew it was just a pure fantasy of fun, not a true career path.  When I started taking random classes at a city college, I realized that what I liked about my English classes was much the same as what I liked about my math classes – the thrill of determining meaning – except in math there was one right answer, whereas in English, there was a world of possibility.  I knew my area of focus.  From there, it stemmed to the world of teaching, which I always kept in the back of my mind; I now just gave it permission to step forward.

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To find happiness for yourself, start with a self-definition.  Define yourself, but don’t place limitations.  Not at first anyway.  Start with a big picture and overview.  Allow yourself the freedom to express all aspects of yourself.  All people are multi-dimensional.  Don’t classify yourself into a sole capacity.  Allow expansion of possibilities.  Then, after you have a master list, prioritize.  As you learn what will bring a smile to your day, consider how to narrow it down into a manageable and workable realm of true and ultimate prospects.  Again, this may not happen overnight, but it should happen; this should happen for every human being.  Also, remember to periodically check yourself.  Are you standing still, or are you still moving forward?  If you are standing still, is it because the path no longer works?  If so, reassess, and move down another path.  If you are moving forward, is it still making you happy?  If not, reassess, and move down another path.  That’s where people get stuck.  A path is chosen, after much struggle at times, and too much emphasis gets placed on it.  No one – except perhaps yourself – has stuck you endlessly on a crooked path that doesn’t suit you, and only you can actually make the necessary shifts to get where you want and need to be.  There’s no shame in that.  There’s a lot of sense in that.  Distractions stop people from moving ahead or from moving down a different road.  Too many “can not’s” and “should not’s” end up in the path, and they are not walked around and treated as the distractions they are.

An easy way to start on the self-definition path is to let others help you.  Have you seen the “define me in one word” e-mail game going around?  It’s like that.  You can start by using this e-mail game.  You ask others to define you in one word.  You’ll see all the interesting words others think define you, and you can see if those words match the ones you pick for yourself.  You can see if those words match the ones you want to define you.

For me, at this point in my life, I use two words to define myself:  respect and communication.  At other times, I’ve had many other words in my list, including the words passion and love, but in the end, for me, it all comes down to respect and communication.  If I have those, I have everything and can have anything, including passion and love.  It’s a two-way street, though.  I want respect, so I have to give it.  I want communication, so I need to communicate with others.  These words, to me, cannot function separately.  If respect is lost, so is communication, and if communication is lost, so is respect.  Maybe the respect is lost because of a lack of communication; also, if there is no respect, there cannot be true two-way communication.  By being respectful, open communication can ensue; by fixing communication, respect can be regained.   They are connected.  I have found that when my happiness is waning, it comes down to those two things, and when I can fix the respect and communication, I can reclaim happiness – for myself and for others.

Above all else, when looking for happiness, consider the internal self over the external self.  Sure, who wouldn’t like a life of luxury, but at what cost?  An accountant can certainly make more money than a teacher, but going for the material goods over good of self worth would not have made me happy.  Not long term.  I know too many people who work for their houses, not the other way around.  A house should be full of love, regardless of how many possessions you do or don’t have in it.  The stuff you have should be there to aid you in your pursuit of happiness; it should not remove the happiness by forcing away the option of choice.  If you have to maintain a life that destroys you internally so that you can have the external goods, where’s the satisfaction in that?

Whatever you choose, be sure of spirit, which is different than being pure of spirit.  It is not possible to live a pure life of pure thoughts at all times.  Be a decent person, but understand that humans are not completely altruistic.  Trying to be completely noble all the time will irritate your unhappiness as you reach for unattainable outcomes.  However, you can be sure of yourself, and confidence aids the spirit and keeps happiness in hand.  Touch your hand to your heart, and set it free.  Everyone needs nourishment of the spirit, whatever it is for you.

Use these suggestions as a starting point to happiness.  As you trust yourself more, you will be able to diverge into other spheres that work for you and keep you happy.  Life is more enjoyable when shared, and it is much more rewarding to share a life of happiness.  All of life’s distractions tend to appropriately fall into place and fade into the background when happiness is manifested on the inside and shining on the outside.

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